brain and/or mouth vomit

GOD ATE MY GOOGLE DRIVE don’t believe the live blog

I am here to help expose some truths/lies, with some tumblr users I have discovered this afternoon.

Tumblr user ‘Blackbeltvegan’ says, “Rihanna is like those monkeys they talk about in that experiment where the monkey puts their hand in a slit in a coconut to get rice and it gets stuck, but Rihanna put her head in it instead and that’s why her forehead is so big”

We will now hear from Oliver. Oliver once cried when he ran out of toilet paper. He has since written a story about this event, but has claimed that he did not cry. We need to show him some support, to let me know that we know it is ok to cry over a dirty butt.

Tumblr user ‘sixty-9-percent’ says, “Drake has some powers. I was listening to some of his music, and came across some past pictures and started crying. That’s not right.
It’s like Josie and the Pussycats and in the music there were subliminal messages telling the people to do something.
What if Drake’s music had that. When you put it on he’s subliminally telling you to think about your ex.
Legit.”

I’d like to now introduce Emilia. Emilia has a blog dedicated to proving the existence of Larry Stylinson, she has been following their relationship ever since One Direction appeared on The X Factor. She is confident that ‘management’ are covering it up to boost sales. She has made a video with footage of the two of them together on her Youtube channel, LarryLover91. It has had over 17,000 views.

However, tumblr user ‘silentmonarchs’ says, “What if deer had a genetic mutation that made it so instead of antlers, they grew this huge ass bad ass horn and then that deer would get ultra laid and then unicorn deer would be a thing and then we’ll be one step closer to a better world.

#science side of tumblr”

Please make Kenji feel welcome. Kenji once has a secret tryst with Selena Gomez on the set of Wizards of Waverly Place, where he was playing an extra. He did not get paid for this appearance, but was doing it as a favour to his aunt, who accidentally tripped over the producer.

But I think the most profound thing we may learn today is from tumblr user ‘jesuschristhallelujah’, who said “but wait the parent trap was lindsay lohans film debut??? then why the fuck would they choose her instead of actual twins it would have spared tons of money wouldnt it???what if lindsay lohan actually did have a twin sister but she disappeared right after the filming of the parent trap and they decided to pretend it was just lindsay lohan all along because how bad would it be if one of ur actors like died or something during your movie?!?!??!?! just wait for it im gonna get some proof!! #!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Our final reader for today is Emmie. Emmie has a limp. She limps with her other leg to cover it up. The limp was caused by an accident she suffered while competing in an under 15’s semi-professional motorcross race. Despite her accident, she managed to slide in at 3rd position, but, has unfortunately never ridden again.

I mean, here is a video of God Ate My Google Drive: Don’t Believe the Live Blog. 4 talented people, reading 4 amazing things just 4 U.

And then there is me, being a little shit/wearing incredibly bright lipstick.

We like you, so you like us (on facebook)

godatemygoogledrive:

This happened. 

God ate my google drive
Don’t believe the live blog

Things I remember (my grandparents have been married for sixty years)

Emma drives to Beechwood to visit her grandparents. The thirty minute drive inland through Wauchope is pitted by high speeds, swift bends, blue skies, the smell of cut grass and tree trunks, blackened by a burn-off fire in preparation for the dry heat of summer. Out of her car window she sees Bago Mountain, its steady plateau guarding the kilometres of grasslands. The road that cuts through the mountain is bordered by a wall of rock and a sharp decline. She doesnʼt drive through it for fear of falling off the road when turning a corner, having only the trees to catch her fall.

Sue and Maurice live on half an acre and have two TV sets and the first Internet connection she was exposed to. Loud and hissing, the dial-tone would cut through the phone line and she would send quizzes to her friends on Hotmail, decorating her sign-off with emoticons and different colours and fonts. She asks her pa about the olive trees and her grandma about bowls. She goes through all their cupboards to find board games, puzzles, and musty furs. Out of boredom, and perhaps one dollar, she cleans and organises the pantry. She would often sneak an extra cream-filled biscuit when no one was looking, and sometimes she would share it with warm milk.

The house has always been the same to her, filled with burgundy and pink and brown and floral patterned wallpaper. The shed seemed to be full of snakes and spiders, and she would slink along the edge of the lounge-room to avoid the huntsman, who was preoccupied with flies, and not the lanky girl with slowly pimpling skin. The house smelt like freshly baked bread rolls which she would eat with Vegemite and plastic cheese. She drinks Schweppes lemonade from a glass bottle. She plays with the magnetic catch on the glass doors of the TV cabinet and discovers the VHS copy of Fantasia she used to watch every day as a 4 year old. Her grandparents would look after her while her mother was working and her elder sister was at school.

As she walks the perimeter of the house, she thinks of a golf ball she would follow around with a club, hitting it as far as a she could, but her thin arms only drove it a few metres. She touched her knee where rocks once grew under the skin, when she had fallen off her bike. She looks for the fake leg that used to decorate the space next to the bins.

Before driving back to Port she takes a detour, further up Beechwood Road, and stops the car out the front of a small, minted green cottage, trees now overgrown. Ten years prior, Emma and her sister Averil would roller skate down the back path that led to their cubby house, heels closely followed by the yapping Jack Russell. They would play house, cook plastic eggs and sausages and make bright concoctions from the fuchsia flowers that twisted around the lattice in their backyard. Once, she had tried to jump on the trampoline wearing her rollerskates, but ended up on her back, more slapstick than serious. Other times she would just sit on the trampoline, her eyes searching the long grasses in the paddock behind their house for a glimpse of the lost Pussy, now presumed dead by snakebite.



finally got my butthole together to put this little cutie on a chain.
note, it has a pair.
note, it was supposed to be a best friend’s charm, but i want both.
note, my housemate made it.
note, pimples

finally got my butthole together to put this little cutie on a chain.

note, it has a pair.

note, it was supposed to be a best friend’s charm, but i want both.

note, my housemate made it.

note, pimples

i am jim carrey’s elastic face. (have i said that before?). today i bought new sheets, blue, because that induces ‘calm’. i bought a new curtain (singular), blockout, because i get migraines from the sun. i bought a new towel, that smells really strange, and then i found three more under my bed, i bought hot cross buns, six (6), fruit free, because i don’t like the texture of (cooked) sultanas and/or berries in bread and/or pastry. i almost bought hot cross buns with chocolate chips, but then thought, no, i eat badly enough, i’ll buy a can of beetroot.

i am jim carrey’s elastic face. (have i said that before?). today i bought new sheets, blue, because that induces ‘calm’. i bought a new curtain (singular), blockout, because i get migraines from the sun. i bought a new towel, that smells really strange, and then i found three more under my bed, i bought hot cross buns, six (6), fruit free, because i don’t like the texture of (cooked) sultanas and/or berries in bread and/or pastry. i almost bought hot cross buns with chocolate chips, but then thought, no, i eat badly enough, i’ll buy a can of beetroot.

things i find erotic

a new felt-tip pen on slippery paper

rubbing my foot on the creases in my sheets

tender meat

names of experiments used to prove quantum theory

(the double slit experiment)

the thought of pulling a cone of wax out of my ear

or a long piece of snot that i can feel leave my throat

chin-ups

matching black underwear

the feeling of melting into the floor

hot breath on my neck

scratching my limbs

when sentences are perfect

godatemygoogledrive:

Remembering God Ate My Google Drive: Where is the Emoji for Hummus?

we’re doing an online god ate my google drive and i am your emcee. i’m trying to think of something funny, but i don’t think i have anything. all i can think of rn is cosplay. 

a skin wave crashing on the shore of over priced avocados and cheap bras.
a cup of mouldy Vegemite, and a watch that only runs during the day.
2 rings i never take off, one belly full of pizza.

a skin wave crashing on the shore of over priced avocados and cheap bras.

a cup of mouldy Vegemite, and a watch that only runs during the day.

2 rings i never take off, one belly full of pizza.

things which precede and/or follow tightness in palms

oporto chips and ‘norm’ burgers, mountain dew, weight watchers frozen dinners, the sound of vomit hitting the water in the toilet, a friend’s mother hidden in a bush, laughing because what the hell else do you do, sitting on a couch, at 5pm, alone, before knowing anything, or knowing that you will know something soon, watching a white, round head bob in the ocean, celebrating a birthday under some trees for a few minutes, sleepovers at friend’s that last for weeks, acronyms and words that can’t be spelled, a lot of silence and strange smiles that don’t mean anything, squeaking on vinyl couches, surgical masks, soap up to elbows, sitting outside with a sneeze, skittles, red skittles, a big bag of red skittles.

absinthe and milk, a swiss army knife kept in a box of ribbons, bent forks, gnocchi, train rides that take two hours and a bus trip without marked stops, scabs, beads threaded onto knotted elastic, infallible proofs, stanmore, leichhardt, alexandria, petersham, triple shot coffees, sweat on an upper lip, a heel of a shoe hitting an ankle, a single bed, a loft bed, walking slowly under flowering trees, itching, the extended lord of the rings trilogy and no-brand chocolate, a mickey mouse vest, a blue bow tie, the Aeneid, taxis at 3am, sharing secrets that change when they’re told, a one eyed dog, rejecting a call, tightness in palms.

ebatch:

emmie-rae:

~ how will I liiiiiiiiiiive without youuuuuuuuu|~~~~

ㅠㅠ crying over this one not being up in my face//space//bed errydayluh this girl

Lub you both

ebatch:

emmie-rae:

~ how will I liiiiiiiiiiive without youuuuuuuuu|~~~~

ㅠㅠ crying over this one not being up in my face//space//bed erryday

luh this girl

Lub you both

which girl needs a shower?
this girl.
what a mess i’ve made upon your innocence.

which girl needs a shower?

this girl.

what a mess i’ve made upon your innocence.

if you tell yourself you’re ok enough you might actually start to believe it

so i want to tell myself again, and again, what i’m excited about;

having a major piece of fiction written at the end of the year

having the luxury to read and watch stupid teen rom-coms

werner herzog’s voice

my friends getting recognition for their talents

girl bands

having a table at the zine fair in may

big, dumb puppies running

emmie and emilia coming back to sydney

being warm in winter

asian food

selfies

taxonomies and etymologies

reading, again, but non-fiction this time

my boyfriend’s biceps

pooping

my mum being in a really amazing relationship

getting out of bed

socks and platform shoes

sitting with my legs spread or up on a desk

felt-tip pens

articulating through facial expressions and sounds or actually figuring out how to articulate through words

patting people on the butt (when they let me)

soundtracks written by michael nyman

yelling

guiltless macdonalds

making brilliant jokes and laughing at them myself

trying to get other people to be excited about things to much that they jiggle