I just saw a talk by John Waters. If you could find an anime that perfectly represented trash culture, then I will watch it with you.
I am the blobfish
Coo coo kachoo
i’m cleaning under my nails with my other nails
i like scratching my head and rubbing my nose
i like to crack most of my joints
i don’t like rubbing my eyes or having nosebleeds
or forgetting the length of a day
this morning does not feel like it was this morning
even though i was mostly asleep
i’ve been sweating consistently for a month now
i want to be able to be more
i can’t remember the last time i showered, and i am both disgusted and proud.
i feel gross, and my hair feels gross, and my skin feels gross, but apparently not gross enough to triumph over the effort it takes to wash myself completely.
yesterday i splashed water under my arms.
perhaps it was thursday.
i have been chased by a goana
and i have had my face shoved into a red-back spider
my mother has been chased by a bull
and my sister has stepped on a red-belly black snake
i jumped on my trampoline wearing rollerblades
and gone down rapids in a canoe
one christmas we ate a pig, killed by my uncle, and watched it turn on the spit
and then i watched fantasia every day for a year
i would hit a golfball around my grandparent’s property, careful to avoid the long grass
i fell off my bike here, and for a while i grew rocks in my knee
we grew oranges, lemons, pawpaw and bananas
i don’t remember eating any of them, though i do remember them fallen on the ground
our neighbours would give us so much custard, that we had to sneak it to my cousin’s house across the road
i sat on the car, under the carport, watching the billycart classic
but i never got to race
there was a time when we lived in a caravan, in my grandparent’s backyard
it smelled like rotting wood, and it would sweat in the summertime
i watched my cousin’s play mortal kombat and wished that i could too
but we would all sweat in the summertime
i have a hard time distinguishing if my actions are ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because i look them and think ‘what the hell are you doing’ but then i shrug my shoulders a little, like it probably doesn’t matter. i do things and don’t remember doing them, or else i don’t do things at all.
there have been a few times where i have made a good decision, but not realised it at the time, but this doesn’t happen often. though i have not cried today, and that is a start, i may later. i don’t know how much longer i can go keeping my eyes open, but i feel like i’m cheating if i sleep, if i sleep at night.
it’s not ‘sleep is for the weak’, or, ‘i’ll sleep when i’m dead’, it’s ‘i take an anti-depressant which causes intensely vivid dreams and they are terrifying and upsetting and when i wake up i feel like i haven’t slept at all’.